News Round-Up

A man who paints pictures-that-look-like-photographs of famous people – and women who are showing a bit – has done one of the queen. He says everyone seems to like it. He is also going to paint pictures of some runners for the Olympics including The Blade Runner from South Africa – who is known as the fastest thing on no legs.

Other News:

People have been asking for money because they are going to ride their bikes at the 
weekend.

Motoring Review: Seat Altea

Seat are always saying "emocion" which is Spanish for emotion; so what are my emotions about this car?

My girlfriend has been backpacking and she says she hates it.

It is a 4x4 car and It has 17"wheels that are made out of alloy.

I don't want to talk to my girlfriend about lamas and shit; I can put a cup, or my sunglasses down in a handy place – and I can fold down some seats and have a table like on an aeroplane. The chrome bit on the radiator is the best and the gearshift knob is ergonomic.

The New Fragrance from the Post Office

Women's Institute: It's not all jam and Jerusalem

The Women’s Institute is casting off its fuddy-duddy image: jam making and needlework, cake sales, crafts, baking cakes and singing songs.

A basket of locally produced items, Jam-making and coffee mornings

and so forth. This long established organisation who’s first branch was founded in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales on 11 September 1915, is keen to promote its change of outlook in a bid to attract new younger members. Recent activities have included: Homeopathy, Dieting, fitness, quad-biking, hare coursing, DOGGING, pleasures of masturbation, occult weekenders, and X-Factor.

Breaking news:

John Rudyard has looked at more than forty works of art at Brighouse Art Circle.

Ken Roberts has ridden his bicycle to Langsett.

Sean Hughes has appeared at the Lawrence Batley Theatre in Huddersfield and Barry Gibson thought he "went on a bit".

A Fool missed J Maddison's car by centimetres as he entered Morrison's car park via a roundabout.

Angry Asthmatic has said a bus went the wrong way to Brighouse.

C Armitage has filled half a carrier bag with cat shit.

Jade Wood has said that comedy makes her laugh but she's concerned about people not being able to get on the property ladder.

Supermarkets to fund school trips

Barry Sheerman MP says there aren’t enough school trips. He says supermarkets should take on the responsibility of funding them.

Here, Compact News’ political editor opens his kimono, pushes the envelope and cascades some blue sky thoughts outside of the box to come up with some more funding ideas:

The Association of Corporate Treasurers (the route to treasury excellence) should fund Mrs Todd from Netherthong's drive to eliminate the Scarlet Lily Beetle from her garden.

The Institute of Sheet Metal Engineering (serving the sheet metal industry by promoting the science of working and using sheet metal) should fund the BBC’s children programs and the next series of Countdown.

The General Synod should fund 'foodie chic' across the region.

Hussains Newsagents at Sycamore Court, Longwood, Huddersfield should fund MI5 and all government initiatives for sport.

Holmfirth Choral Society should fund The Met Office.

Sananda Maitreya should fund all grass roots level football.

The Football Association should part fund The Merry England Coffee Shops’ staff Christmas party.

Paddock Junior School PTA should fund The Ministry of Defence and oversee the upgrading of all House of Commons software to Windows Vista.

Royal Mail Huddersfield Sports and Social Club should fund the roll-out of the digital switchover.

Compact News should be solely responsible for the funding of The Royal Bank of Scotland.

The Institute of Directors (the mark of a leader) should fund Dale Winton and the Bakelite Museum, Williton, Somerset.

Welcome to the Compact News digital blog

Compact News used to exist as a zine, widely distributed across the shelf by the window at Coffee Evolution in Huddersfield (click HERE for virtual facsimiles of early editions – turn the pages with the click of a mouse!)

Anyway, I can't be bothered with all that anymore, it's time consuming, costs money and the staff at the printers poke fun at my drawings, so I've created this live digital Compact News service in its place.

Cheers!